Author: Marshall Goldsmith
ISBN:978-1401330125
Pinpoints mental models that may be holding you back in business. Very useful!
EXCERPTS
One of the greatest mistakes of successful people is the assumption, “I behave this way, and I achieve results. Therefore, I must be achieving results because I behave this way.” This belief is sometimes true, but not across the board. That’s where superstition kicks in. It creates the core fallacy necessitating this book, the reason that “what got us here won’t get us there.” I’m talking about the difference between success that happens because of our behavior and the success that comes in spite of our behavior. [Many people erroneously believe that Steve Jobs was successful because of his terrible interpersonal traits and not in spite of them!]
People will do something—including changing their behavior—only if it can be demonstrated that doing so is in their own best interests as defined by their own values.
Transactional flaws performed by one person against others. They are:
1. Winning too much: The need to win at all costs and in all situations—when it matters, when it doesn’t, and when it’s totally beside the point.
2. Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion.
3. Passing judgment: The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.
4. Making destructive comments: The needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty.
5. Starting with “No,” “But,” or “However”: The overuse of these negative qualifiers which secretly say to everyone, “I’m right. You’re wrong.”
6. Telling the world how smart we are: The need to show people we’re smarter than they think we are.
7. Speaking when angry: Using emotional volatility as a management tool.
8. Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”: The need to share our negative thoughts even when we weren’t asked.
9. Withholding information: The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.
10. Failing to give proper recognition: The inability to praise and reward. [Stoics and Adler; Don't praise, merely encourage!?]
11. Claiming credit that we don’t deserve: The most annoying way to overestimate our contribution to any success.
12. Making excuses: The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.
13. Clinging to the past: The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else.
14. Playing favorites: Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.
15. Refusing to express regret: The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.
16. Not listening: The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.
17. Failing to express gratitude: The most basic form of bad manners.
18. Punishing the messenger: The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.
19. Passing the buck: The need to blame everyone but ourselves.
20. An excessive need to be “me”: Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they’re who we are.
The higher you go, the more your problems are behavioral. At the higher levels of organizational life, all the leading players are technically skilled. They’re all smart. They’re all up to date on the technical aspects of their job.
“Good idea, but it’d be better if you tried it this way.” The problem is, you may have improved the content of my idea by 5 percent, but you’ve reduced my commitment to executing it by 50 percent, because you’ve taken away my ownership of the idea. My idea is now your idea—and I walk out of your office less enthused about it than when I walked in.
The higher up you go in the organization, the more you need to make other people winners and not make it about winning yourself.
Grading people’s answers—rather than just accepting them without comment—makes people hesitant and defensive.
When you start a sentence with “no,” “but,” “however,” or any variation thereof, no matter how friendly your tone or how many cute mollifying phrases you throw in to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, the message to the other person is You are wrong.
Successful people become great leaders when they learn to shift the focus from themselves to others.
In other words, the honorable pursuit of a difficult goal set by someone else transforms us into cheaters. If you examine it more closely, we’re not really obsessed with hitting the ten percent growth; our true goal is pleasing our boss. The only problem is that we either don’t see this or we refuse to admit it to ourselves. [If you don't strive for recognition (->status), the ownership of idea doesn't matter.]
“Forgiveness means letting go of the hope for a better past!”
Stop Asking for Feedback and Then Expressing Your Opinion
People will not tell the truth if they think it will come back to haunt them—and in a power relationship subordinates have no guarantee that the unvarnished truth won’t anger the boss, send them back to the end of the line, or worse, get them fired. [Importance of having an intra-company "spy" that is capable of reporting true "battlefield" conditions.]
In soliciting feedback for yourself, the only question that works—the only one!—must be phrased like this: “How can I do better?”
Pure unadulterated issue-free feedback that makes change possible has to:
(a) solicit advice rather than criticism,
(b) be directed towards the future rather than obsessed with the negative past, and
(c) be couched in a way that suggests you will act on it; that in fact you are trying to do better.
For one day, write down all the comments that you hear people make to you about you. For example, “Oh, that was really smart, Marshall.” Or, “You’re late, Marshall.” Or, “Are you listening to me, Marshall?” Any remark that, however remotely, concerns you or your behavior, write it down. At the end of the day, review the list and rate each comment as positive or negative. If you look at the negatives, maybe some patterns will emerge. Perhaps a number of remarks will focus on your tardiness, or your inattention, or your lack of follow up. That’s the beginning of a feedback moment. You’re learning something about yourself without soliciting it—which means that the comment is agenda-free. It’s honest and true.
Then do it again the next day and the next. Do it at home too, if you want.
Turn the sound off and observe how people physically deal with you. Do they lean toward you or away? Do they listen when you have the floor or are they drumming their fingers waiting for you to finish? Are they trying to impress you or are they barely aware of your presence? This won’t precisely tell you what your specific challenge may be, but if the indicators are more negative than positive, you’ll know that you aren’t making quite the overwhelming impression on your colleagues that you may have hoped for. You’ll know you have some work to do. [Read any book on body language to get to know the basics.]
A variation on this drill is making sure you are the earliest person to arrive at a group meeting. Turn the sound off and observe how people respond to you as they enter. What they do is a clue about what they think of you. Do they smile when they see you and pull up a chair next to you? Do they barely acknowledge your presence and sit across the room? Note how each person responds to you. If the majority of people shy away from you, that’s a disturbing pattern that’s hitting you over the head with some serious truth. You have some serious work to do.
The “sound off” drill doesn’t quite tell you what you need to change. But at least you’ll know where to start asking, “How can I do better?” You can begin with the people in the room.
These pseudo-self-deprecating remarks—the ones we say about ourselves but don’t believe—are the rhetorical devices and debating tricks of everyday communication that allow us to get an edge on our rivals. Nothing wrong with that. To a student of intracorporate warfare, such self-deprecation from others should put you on high alert. Whatever they say, you know they believe the opposite.
Your flaws at work don’t vanish when you walk through the front door at home.
The apology gave him and the people he was addressing a sense of closure, however faint and bittersweet. Closure lets you move forward.
Once you’re prepared to apologize, here’s the instruction manual: You say, “I’m sorry.” You add, “I’ll try to do better in the future.” Not absolutely necessary, but prudent in my view because when you let go of the past, it’s nice to hint at a brighter future. And then . . . you say nothing. Don’t explain it. Don’t complicate it. Don’t qualify it. You only risk saying something that will dilute it.
AFTER YOU APOLOGIZE, you must advertise. It’s not enough to tell everyone that you want to get better; you have to declare exactly in what area you plan to change.
The logic behind this is cognitive dissonance: To recap, we view people in a manner that is consistent with our previous existing stereotypes, whether it is positive or negative. If I think you’re an arrogant jerk, everything you do will be filtered through that perception. If you do something wonderful and saintly, I will regard it as the exception to the rule; you’re still an arrogant jerk. Within that framework it’s almost impossible for us to be perceived as improving, no matter how hard we try. However, the odds improve considerably if you tell people that you are trying to change. Suddenly, your efforts are on their radar screen. You’re beginning to chip away at their preconceptions.
It takes time and relentless persuasion for any idea to gain traction.
Put this book down and make your next interpersonal encounter—whether it’s with your spouse or a colleague or a stranger—an exercise in making the other person feel like a million bucks. Try to employ the tiny tactics we’ve outlined here.
- Listen.
- Don’t interrupt.
- Don’t finish the other person’s sentences.
- Don’t say “I knew that.”
- Don’t even agree with the other person (even if he praises you, just say, “Thank you”).
- Don’t use the words “no,” “but,” and “however.”
- Don’t be distracted. Don’t let your eyes or attention wander elsewhere while the other person is talking.
- Maintain your end of the dialogue by asking intelligent questions that (a) show you’re paying attention, (b) move the conversation forward, and (c) require the other person to talk (while you listen).
- Eliminate any striving to impress the other person with how smart or funny you are. Your only aim is to let the other person feel that he or she is accomplishing that.
Follow-up is the most protracted part of the process of changing for the better. It goes on for 12 to 18 months. Fittingly, it’s the difference-maker in the process. Follow-up is how you measure your progress. Follow-up is how we remind people that we’re making an effort to change, and that they are helping us. Follow-up is how our efforts eventually get imprinted on our colleagues’ minds. Follow-up is how we erase our coworkers’ skepticism that we can change. Follow-up is how we acknowledge to ourselves and others that getting better is an ongoing process, not a temporary religious conversion.
More than anything, follow-up makes us do it. It gives us the momentum, even the courage, to go beyond understanding what we need to do to change and actually do it, because in engaging in the follow-up process, we are changing.
If nothing else, these studies show that leaders who ask for input on a regular basis are seen as increasing in effectiveness. Leaders who don’t follow up are not necessarily bad leaders. They are just not perceived as getting better.
The Hawthorne Effect posits that productivity tends to increase when workers believe that their bosses are showing a greater interest and involvement in their work.
You have to be careful with feedback. Conducted properly, feedback is not deceptive. It reveals what’s on people’s minds. But it can be misinterpreted (you see only what you want to see) or misread (you see something that isn’t there).
Giving people unlimited choices only confuses them.
You can monetize the punishment and end the problem. Or you can monetize the result and create a solution. Either way, it works. [Carrot/ stick: you usually have to employ both.]
You can’t motivate 200 people to conquer a hill and, when they all start charging, say, “Wait a minute. Maybe this isn’t such a smart plan.” Do that a few times, and no one’s going to be inspired to take hills for you. They will just sit there and wait.
As a general rule, people in their 20s want to learn on the job. In their 30s they want to advance. And in their 40s they want to rule. You have to find out what they want at every step—by literally asking them—and you can’t assume that one size fits all.
If your people don’t care about changing, don’t waste your time.
Stop trying to change people who are pursuing the wrong strategy for the organization. If they’re going in the wrong direction, all you’ll do is help them get there faster. Stop trying to change people who should not be in their job. Some people feel they’re in the wrong job at the wrong company. Perhaps they believe that they were meant to be doing something else. Or that their skills are being misused. Or that they they’re missing something. If you have any sensitivity, you have a good idea who these people are. Even if you pick up only a tiny molecule of this vibe, ask them, “What if we shut down today? Would you be surprised, sad, or relieved?” More often than not, they will choose “relieved.” Take that as your cue to send them packing. You can’t change the behavior of unhappy people so that they become happy. You can only fix the behavior that’s making the people around them unhappy.
Finally, stop trying to help people who think everyone else is the problem.
Imagine that you’re 95 years old and ready to die. The 95-year-old you understands what was really important and what wasn’t, what mattered and what didn’t. What advice would this wise “old you” have for the “you” who is reading this page? Take your time and answer the question on two levels: personal advice and professional advice. Jot down a few words that capture what the old you would be saying to the younger you. Once you’ve written these words down, the rest is simple: Just do whatever you wrote down. Make it your resolution for the rest of the current year, and the next. You have just defined your “there.”
Many older people say they were so wrapped up in looking for what they didn’t have that they seldom appreciated what they did have. They often wish they would have taken more time to enjoy it.
A second recurring theme was “friends and family.” Consider this: You may work for a wonderful company, and you may think that your contribution to that organization is very important. When you are 95 years old and you look at the people around your deathbed, very few of your fellow employees will be there waving good-bye. Your friends and family will probably be the only people who care. Appreciate them now and share a large part of your life with them. Yet another recurring theme was the reflection to “follow your dreams.” Older people who have tried to achieve their dreams are always happier with their lives. Figure out your true purpose in life, and go for it! This doesn’t apply just to big dreams; it is also true for little dreams. Buy the sports car you always wanted, go to that exotic locale that’s always held your fascination, learn how to play the piano or speak Italian. If some people think your vision of a well-lived life is a bit goofy or offbeat, who cares? It isn’t their life. It’s yours. Few of us will achieve all of our dreams. Some dreams will always elude us. So the key question is not, “Did I make all my dreams come true?” The key question is, “Did I try?”
“If you stay in this company, why are you going to stay?” The three top answers were:
- “I am finding meaning and happiness now. The work is exciting and I love what I am doing.”
- “I like the people. They are my friends. This feels like a team. It feels like a family. I could make more money working with other people, but I don’t want to leave the people here.”
- “I can follow my dreams. This organization is giving me a chance to do what I really want to do in life.” [Note that whatever dreams you have you can always use the job to help you achieve the dreams (faster). Every job can give a certain skillset or opportunity that will enable you reach your dreams. Don't worry about making the right decisions. Make the decisions right.]
Use that wisdom now. Don’t look ahead. Look behind. Look back from your old age at the life you hope to live. Know that you need to be happy now, to enjoy your friends and family, to follow your dreams. You are here. You can get there! Let the journey begin.